


A Thugtastic Christmas

by SonjaJade



Category: 50 Percent Off!, Trailer Park Boys
Genre: Alternate Universe, Break Up, Christmas, Christmas Party, Crossover, Drug Dealing, Fluff and Crack, Jail, M/M, Making Up, Stereotypes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 08:28:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8742388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonjaJade/pseuds/SonjaJade
Summary: Nagisa’s smuggling ‘Japanese Coke’ to Nova Scotia when he finds himself in jail at Christmas with Ricky, who promises once he spends one Christmas in jail, he’ll want to do it every year.  Bubbles tries to convince Rei not to break up with Nagisa over the incident, citing the importance of loved ones at Christmastime.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 50% Off! is a parody series of Free! by Octopimp.

“C’mon, man!” Nagisa hollered across the hall as they took him down to holding.  “This is some _bullshit_!”  
  
“You speak good English for a Japanese guy!” the officer on his left declared.  
  
“Yeah, well- you speakin’ some serious bullshit right now for a fuckin’ _canuck!_ ”  
  
The officers told him to shut his dirty mouth as they slung him into a barred cell.  They told him he got one phone call and it had to be local.  If he had his phone, he could text Rei and get him to come bail him out.  But s it was- it looked like he’d be spending their first Christmas together in jail, in Canada.  
  
“Aw hell, Rei’s never gonna speak to me ever again!” he sobbed as he sat down on the bench that lined the wall.  “There goes my idea of proposin’ to him!”  
  
He heard footsteps and looked up.  A chubby white dude stood giving him a weird look and Nagisa was in _no mood_.  
  
“Man, get the fuck outta my face!”  
  
The guy wrapped a hand around one of the bars and stepped closer.  “First Christmas in jail?” he asked gently.  
  
Nagisa sighed.  “No.  And not that it’s any of yo business, but I shoulda been outta the country yesterday, but y’all get some freaky deep fuckin’ snow up here.  My flight got cancelled.  Got stopped at the terminal for lookin’ suspicious…  Here I am.”  
  
The hand now stuck itself between the bars.  “I’m Ricky.  I’m in for poppin’ trunks open and returning people’s Christmas shit for the money.”  
  
Nagisa hesitated, then shook his hand.  “Nagisa.  I’m in for carryin’ Japanese cocaine.”  
  
Ricky’s eyebrows shot up.  “The fuck is _Japanese_ cocaine?”  
  
Nagisa shook his head.  “I dunno how it works, but it’s made with hundred year old sake.  I just run it for this _yakuza_ back home, for shits and grins, y’know.”  
  
“You speak good English for a Jap.”  
  
Nagisa yelled back, “It’s because I’m fucking educated!  You ever go to school, Mr. Ricky?”  
  
The man looked as if he were thinking.  “Made it to grade nine, started grade ten- does that count?”  
  
“Goddamn fuckin’ white people…” Nagisa grumbled.  “Hey, I need to get a _long_ distance call in, you know whose dick I gotta suck to get that?  I mean, I’d rather not, but I ain’t above it, either.”  
  
“Naw, man, it’s cool,” Ricky assured him through the bars.  “I’ll talk to Dougie, he can probably get your cell out of possessions.  Sit tight!”  
  
“Where the hell am I gonna go?!”  He pinched the bridge of his nose.  “I’m sorry, I’ve had a _shitty fucking day_ , I ain’t ate nothin’ in a couple hours, my blood sugar’s all funny…  I’m not usually this pissy.”  
  
Ricky grinned.  “No problem man, I’ll bring ya back a coke and a sammitch, alright?”  
  
Nagisa smiled up at him, then stuck his fist through the bars.  “You alright, Ricky.  And those pork chops are sweet, man!” he said gesturing to the man’s side burns.  
  
He thanked him before leaving, and was gone about twenty minutes or so, Nagisa guessed.  Then he returned with a fifth of Crown Royal whiskey and Nagisa’s cell phone.  
  
“Dude, this is the gayest phone I’ve ever seen,” he said as he passed both items through the bars.  “How many fuckin’ tiny key chains do you need anyway?”  
  
“Man, you ever heard of _culture?_ We don’t do phones the same way y’all do over here.  Don’t put down what you don’t understand, ya feel me?”  He called Rei- who was angry, worried and really upset.  
  
“What do you expect me to do?” Rei asked him.  “Even if I could get a flight out of Japan right now, it would still take me approximately 2.3 days to arrive based on layovers, time changes and airspeed, of course with adverse conditions factored in.”  
  
Nagisa frowned. “But-”  
  
“I told you hanging out with Sousuke was a bad idea, and now you’re realizing that I was correct.”  He sighed.  “As for our first Christmas… perhaps this should be our last one, as well.”  
  
Nagisa’s jaw dropped.  “Aw, naw!  Naw Rei, you can’t do this to me, man!  I’m over ten thousand kilometers away in a fuckin’ Canadian jail!  You can’t break up with me over the phone!”  
  
“I believe the appropriate response is, ‘Let’s see ya stop me.’  I’ll help you get home.  Once we land in Iwatobi, it’s over.”  
  
The line went dead, and Nagisa closed the phone and put his head in his hands.  He looked at Ricky, who couldn’t have understood a single thing that he said while he was on the phone.  “My boo…  My baby just broke up with me, over the phone, from over ten thousand kilometers away.  I should jus’ hang myself with my goddamn sweater.”  
  
Ricky passed him a cigarette.  “Fuck her.  Ain’t no bitch worth hangin’ yourself over.”  
  
“Rei’s a dude, man!”  
  
Ricky didn’t say anything for a moment, then retaliated with, “Good, now you can start seein’ girls!”  
  
Nagisa opened the bottle of whiskey and chugged some down with a belch.  “Naw Ricky- Rei’s my _bride_.  We’re tight… or we were.  And Christmas for us is like Valentine’s Day for y’all.  I fucked up big man- no perfect dinner at KFC, no cake, no midnight kiss and no booty…”  He choked up and Ricky stood there shaking his head.  
  
“Obviously you ain’t never spent Christmas in jail, because we party for twelve fuckin’ days up in this bitch.”  
  
Nagisa wiped at his eyes and screamed, “Mutha fucker, I did time for _murderin’_ _a_ _fuckin’ kid!_ I spent _three years as a child in federal prison!_ Get up out muh face wit ya _bullshit!_ ”  
  
“Fuck, dude!” Ricky said backing up.  “Just chill out, alright?”  He smacked his forehead.  “Shit, I forgot the food, be right back!”  He took off running, yelling for a guy named Chris to give him some sandwiches and the keys to the holding cell.  A few minutes later, Ricky returned with a plate of carb loaded food and a set of keys.  He opened the door to the cell and handed Nagisa the plate.  
  
“C’mon man, let’s get some food in your belly.  Then I’ll get ya some hash and some weed, and everything’ll be fuckin’ hunkey dorey, Nagisa.”  
  
What could it hurt?  He obviously wasn’t going anywhere for a few days, if Rei even came for him at all, and once he got home, he was as good as dumped anyway.  “Sure, man.  Sorry for snappin’ atcha again.”  
  
“Just eat somethin’, for the love of Santa Jesus-God!”  
  
Nagisa laughed at that.  “Damn straight!”

* * *

  
Three days later, a very upset and irritated Ryugazaki Rei showed up at the Van Allen Correctional Institution, gritting his teeth at the lame excuse for a prison facility and mentally calculating the square footage of the space versus how many possible inmates it could house and estimating the actual count of human bodies inside.  
  
He closed his eyes, sighed, then adjusted his red framed glasses, then walked into the building.  Once inside, he encountered quite possibly the goofiest looking human being alive.  
  
The man was about his height, bundled up in an olive green puffy coat, topped with a handmade hat with red and white stripes- and wearing the thickest glasses he’d ever seen.  Khaki pants covered his legs and dirty, worn out snow boots covered his feet.  He smiled in a strange and peculiar way, then waved his fingers at Rei. Rei nodded once in his direction and proceeded to the glass covered window with the little speaker hole mounted into it.  
  
“Herro, I am here to bear out Hazuki Nagisa, prease,” he said in heavily accented English.  
  
The dark skinned man in the room behind the window looked to be struggling not to laugh.  “You mean you’re here to _bail_ out Mr. Hazuki?”  
  
Rei closed his eyes and sighed.  “Yes.  Engrish is hard for me to speak, sir.”  
  
A chuckle escaped him but he went about gathering the proper paperwork.  “His bond is set at five thousand dollars, Canadian.  We accept credit, cash or certified check.”  
  
Rei handed him a credit card and the man processed it, handing him several forms to sign.  When he was finished, he asked, “Are we arowed to reave for Japan?  He is free?”  
  
The officer grabbed a clipboard and scanned down the grid printed on it.  “Hmm, says he’s got to appear in court the day after Christmas.  Since it appears Mr. Hazuki’s record has been clean since… Jesus, he’s a convicted _murderer?_ ”  
  
“It was a wrong time ago,” Rei explained.  “An accident I’m towed- Japanese raw is very strict compared to western worrd.”  
  
The man shook his head.  “Anyway, it’ll likely be a hefty fine and release.  I’m afraid he can’t leave the country until he’s appeared in court.”  
  
Rei adjusted his glasses and sighed.  “Of course.  We weer stay at a nearby hoterr, then.”  
  
Disappointed and completely exhausted from the breakneck pace of travel, he sat down heavily next to the goofy man in the glasses to wait for Nagisa to come out.  
  
“Hey, did you say you’re from Japan?” the strange man asked, his voice almost sounding as if he were in the midst of puberty, despite appearing old enough to apply for senior care.  
  
Rei nodded.  “Yes, Iwatobi town.”  
  
He smiled at him.  “Well, jeeze!  Ain’t that awesome!  I never met anyone from Japan before!”  He stuck his hand out. “My name is Bubbles!  I’ve never been anywhere but here, all my life.”  
  
“Nice to meet you,” Rei said.  
  
“So Japan- that’s where fuckin’ kung fu comes from, right?”  
  
“Karate,” Rei corrected.  “Kung fu comes from China.”  
  
“Oh.  Jeeze, I’m sorry!  First time meeting a Japanese person and I fuck it up!”  He smacked his knee in frustration.  “I saw the Karate Kid a couple times, I knew what he was doin’ looked different from Bruce Lee!”  An expression of awe struck him.  “Hey, I bet you could teach me some karate, couldn’t you?”  
  
“No, I don’t know karate.  I am captain of teh swim team at my correge.”  
  
“Swim team?  Really?”  
  
Rei nodded.  “My bo— _friend_ , my friend is ahso a very tarrented swimmer.  We went to competitions a rot in high schoo.”  
  
“That’s pretty awesome.  The only competition I was ever in was a spelling bee, and I lost on the first word.”  Bubbles shook his head. “I didn’t know ‘imagination’ didn’t have an ‘e’ in it.  ‘Image’ ‘nation’ was how I memorized it…  Eh, that was too many years ago to worry about now though, right?”  
  
They were quiet a while, and then Bubbles asked, “So what brings ya all the way out here from Japan?  Your swim friend fuck up or somethin’?”  
  
Rei nodded.  “As you say, he fucked everyfing up.  No Christmas at KFC for us.”  
  
Bubbles nodded.  “KFC is just about the best shit to eat on Christmas, ain’t it?  Hey, I didn’t know ya had Kentucky Fried Chicken over in fuckin’ Japan!  That’s great!”  He bowed his head and muttered, “Sucks about Christmas, though.”  
  
Just then, the sound of Nagisa’s voice could be heard- and he sounded drunk.  Rei tried to calculate how many drinks it had taken him to get to the level of drunkenness he was exhibiting, and the estimated strength of homemade beer and wine that was likely _made in a toilet_ … His brain couldn’t even comprehend it all right then.  
  
“Hey, T-Bone!  Make me anotha boilermaker, I’ll be back in a hot minute!”  
  
The door opened and Rei stood up.  “Nagisa?”  Though he was pissed off at him- no, angrier than he’d ever been in his entire life at him- Rei couldn’t help but be relieved when he saw his face.  
  
Nagisa’s eyes looked hurt and relieved at the same time.  He looked away from him, face red, and said in Japanese, “I’m surprised you really came all the way out here to get me…  Maybe you still love me after all?”  
  
Rei’s eyes narrowed and he refused to cry- it wouldn’t be beautiful _at all_ to cry in a Canadian jail at Christmas.  “I wanted to be sure you made it safely home.  And I can still love _you_ without loving the stupid, idiotic things that you do.”  
  
“Coulda got Makoto to do it,” he sassed back, crossing his arms and leaning against the door jamb.  
  
He adjusted his glasses.  “I don’t want to do this here.  Get your belongings, we’re going to stay at a hotel until your court date- which is December 26 th.”  
  
Nagisa looked as if he rolled the information around in his head a moment, then shook his head.  “Naw, I’m stayin’ here.”  He uncrossed his arms and turned around, walking away from him.  
  
Rei felt sick to his stomach watching him walk away like that.  “Where are you going?”  
  
“Back to the party, Rei!” he yelled in English.  “Better’n listenin’ to you bitch at me for the next five days!”  
  
“Hey, Bubbles!” a chubby white guy with a goatee said with a wave from the door.  An officer let him and the strange child-man talk and trade cigarettes while Rei came to terms with Nagisa’s words.  
  
Rei sat down hard on the bench, full of feelings that weren’t beautiful at all, wondering what had gone so terribly wrong so quickly.  All his calculations and equations couldn’t come up with an answer.  His lover was leaving him for a jailhouse Christmas party.  He wanted to die…  
  
“Hey,” Bubbles said quietly, “he’s your real good friend isn’t he?”  
  
Rei took a deep breath.  “I don’t know if he steer is.”  
  
Bubbles looked toward the door.  “I think so, man.  I saw how he looked at you.  You’re still close, don’t worry.”  
  
They looked up at the sound of a guard shouting at Nagisa that his bail had been posted, that he had to vacate the premises.  
  
“He’s my friend!  It’s still visiting hours!” another voice called.  
  
“That’s my pal Ricky,” Bubbles said.  “Looks like him and your friend are pals on the inside.”  
  
That hurt even worse, knowing that Nagisa didn’t want to come out, and someone on the inside didn’t want him to leave. “Maybe I should just reave him here,” he said angrily as he got to his feet.  
  
“No!  Ya can’t do that!” Bubbles protested.  “It’s Christmas!  Christmas is about bein’ with your family and friends, the people who you’re closest to!  Ya can’t just leave him in a jail half a world away!”  
  
“But dat is where he wants to be.  Shouldn’t I ret him do what he wants?”  
  
Bubbles looked desperate.  “Ya should at least tell him how ya feel, for fuck’s sakes!  Jeeze, tell him you’re _hurt!_ Sometimes people are dumb fucks and just don’t get it ‘til ya spill it all out for ‘em to see!”  
  
Nagisa was shouting as a guard shoved him out of the door leading to the cells.  “Man, I ain’t even hit the hash pipe yet, Dougie!   I thought we was friends, man!  Y’all can’t kick me outta here-” he started banging on the door.  “Let me back in, damn it!”  His shoulders slumped.  “Damn it!” he hissed, kicking the door.  He turned and stared at Rei, then jammed his hat on his head and muttered something about leaving.  
  
Rei followed him and Bubbles followed Rei, outside where snow and ice were piled up around the parking lot.  
  
“Where are you going?” Rei yelled in Japanese.  
  
“To a fuckin’ hotel!” he responded in English.  
  
“Ya can’t walk there,” Bubbles alerted them.  “Ya gotta go across the bridge and it ain’t safe in weather like this.  At least let me drive ya’s over there, okay?”  
  
“Let me axe you somethin’,” Nagisa said to Bubbles.  “If your _significant other_ broke up with you over the phone and you were ten thousand kilometers away, what would you do when they showed up?”  
  
Bubbles looked at both of them, open mouthed and pointing between them.  “You two…  poke each other?”  
  
“Answer the question, man!” Nagisa shouted.  
  
Bubbles’ mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, then he blurted out, “I’d forgive ‘em!”  Rei and Nagisa both looked at him.  He continued, “I’d forgive ‘em, because remember when you were little and ya break a dish or accidently drop the remote in the toilet or somethin’, and your mom would say somethin’ like, ‘I’m gonna kill ya, ya little shit!’?  Well, she never _really_ killed ya, did she?  In fact, after it was all over, she might pat your head and tell ya that accidents happen sometimes and that we all need to be a little more careful!  She might even give ya couple of cookies or somethin’ because she made ya cry thinkin’ she was gonna shoot ya in the face with your dad’s shotgun!”  
  
Nagisa’s face soften a little.  “But those words _hurt_ , man.  What if you don’t know if they was serious or not?”  
  
Bubbles shrugged.  “Then ask!  And tell ‘em they hurt your feelins!”  He looked at both of them.  “C’mon!  It’s fuckin’ Christmas!  Ya don’t hurt people on Christmas!  You shouldn’t hurt ‘em _ever_ , but least of all on Christmas!”  
  
Rei spoke first.  “I ferht like you were ignoring me when I said not to be around Sousuke.  He is dangerous and you know it.  And den you went to jair because of him and I was angry at boaf of you.  I said back dare that I steer rove you, but I wish you would stop running Sousuke’s drugs for him.”  
  
Nagisa turned toward him.  “Rei, you didn’t even give me a chance to explain anythin’.  If these fuckin’ canuck security guards down at the airport hadn’t stopped me for feignin’ for a cigarette, I never woulda got picked up.  I forgot I had like an ounce in my pocket- it was the sample bag.  I know I fucked up, I didn’t need you yellin’ at me and tellin’ me we was over, I needed you tellin’ me you’d come get me and be by my side to help me through it.  You fuckin’ broke up with me over the phone when I needed you-”  He started to cry.  “I never felt so alone in all my life, man!  Like all the time we spent cuddlin’ and watchin’ DragonballZ was wasted, and all the nights we spent under the covers meant nothin’ to you!”  
  
Rei felt his own eyes watering.  “Dat’s not true, Nagisa.  You’re very speciar to me.  I’m sorry I scared you rike dat.”  He sniffled and took his glasses off.  “I’m sorry I hurt you, can you forgive me?”  
  
“Will you take me back?” Nagisa cried.  
  
He walked over to his lover, grabbed him by the biceps and leaned down and kissed him deeply.  Bubbles turned quickly away, muttering different expressions of shock under his breath.  
  
“I love you, Rei!  I’ll tell Sousuke this was the last time, and you can go with me so you know I did it!”  Nagisa kissed him and Rei felt like his heart was going to burst.  
  
From the jail, Rei looked up at the sound of a man’s voice.  
  
“Is that your bride, Nagisa?!  Did he say yes!?”  
  
Nagisa’s face turned bright red.  “Ricky, you ruined the surprise, you fucker!”  
  
Rei’s mouth fell open.  In Japanese, he said, “You were going to ask me to marry you?”  
  
Nagisa fidgeted.  “Well…  I thought if you forgave me and we got back together... that maybe we could, y’know… hook up on the permanent?”  He went on to tell him that he’d been thinking about it for a long time, that it had always been love at first sight with him and that’s he’d do whatever it took to keep him happy-  
  
“Yes!”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“All the yes!”  Rei picked Nagisa up and spun him in a circle.  
  
“Hey!  Now this calls for a celebration!” Bubbles said, grinning.  “I know where there’s a rip-roarin’ party goin’ on, not far from here!”  
  
He led them back to the jail, and Rei was happy to go back.


End file.
